There’s no tree in the window,
no goose in the fridge.
All our worldly belongings
boxed up – infra dig!

The long house-moving saga
began back in spring
when we found a new home; thought
‘we’d like to move in’.

Our offer was accepted;
our Pine Road house ‘sold’
but the purchasers pulled out –
our best-laid plans bowled.

Weeks and months then elapsed;
a new agent appointed
(much better than the last one,
their systems less disjointed).

Then while sunning ourselves
(the Italian/Swiss lakes) –
three viewings, then an offer
firmed up – no mistakes.

Found a new house in Alton
that gave us a glow.
Four bedrooms and a garden,
on the flood meadow.

We started the ‘fun’ of the
mortgage application
(as self-employed types,
not a pleasant sensation)

Tax returns and accountants,
surveys, legal mess.
‘Twas a minefield and stressful
throughout, we confess.

At times, twas so maddening –
solicitors: boo hoo!
(exchange of contracts delayed
by their Christmas do!)

After months of (to us) in-
explicable delays,
we’ve today exchanged contracts,
uttered fulsome hurrays.

Ergo we’ll be moving on
22nd December –
the shortest day of the year
and one to remember.

We look forward to welcoming
you to our new home.
But for now, ‘Happy Christmas’
marks the end of this poem.

That said, it’s been a busy couple of weeks even without the logistical challenge of a house move to factor in. We’ve had our first Christmas lunch of the season – at the delightful Scolfes near Eastbourne (one of our friends is at uni there, another friend’s family owns the restaurant). We’ve both been fully occupied with work (Sarah is working on the Woodland Trust’s annual review, I’m managing various international Salvation Army websites – I even had a meeting with the General last week). We’ve had lots of church meetings, we’ve more-or-less completed the Christmas present shopping, and we’ve tried to keep sane by scheduling in the odd excursion.

So yesterday we visited the National Trust house and gardens at Mottisfont, near Romsey – mainly to prevent us from tripping over the packed boxes at home. The weather was not great, but it was good to get out and enjoy some fresh air. (The pub meal afterwards at the nearby Bear and Ragged Staff was also very welcome. If you have the opportunity in the next fortnight, the yuletide pie comes highly recommended!)

Our cards are ready for posting, Giles News (with our new address details) is ready to be published… just as soon as the solicitors all manage to decide when we might be allowed to move.

Somehow, Advent has crept up on us. The evenings are well past the ‘drawing in’ stage, my yearning for sprouts is strengthening and there are only two shopping days left until Christmas. (Don’t panic. The last clause merely indicates that I can only muster enthusiasm for two more visits to the shops this year. Your stamina may vary.)

I very much enjoyed playing and singing some Advent songs at church last Sunday, and watching the spectacle of two young children wafting a lighted splint vaguely in the direction of the first Advent candle. My hope that said wick would spontaneously combust before the kids was, mercifully, well founded. If it had gone wrong, though, there was a large baptismal pool in the place that would ordinarily be occupied by a liberally-festooned Christmas tree. I suspect it will be making its annual appearance next Sunday. I’ll just have to wait.

Nevertheless, I spotted the first Christmas tree of the season at Testwood Baptist Church last Tuesday on the occasion of the Seriously Funny evening with Jeff Lucas and Adrian Plass. (Please note that I am not counting the various festive accoutrements that have been present in the majority of high street stores since, seemingly, September. This accounts for at least part of my attitude in paragraph 2 above.) The Seriously Funny book was one of the things that kept us on just about the right side of sanity in Thailand, and it was marvellous to hear a further collection of musings from the pair in person. Thought-provoking, inspiring and funny. Excellent.

Advent is a time of waiting and preparation. Just as you will have almost certainly been waiting on tenterhooks for this latest epistle, we have been waiting with varying levels of patience for a number of things to get going this year. Chief among these has been our long-awaited house move, a process that we started even before Sainsbury’s put their mince pies out. Which was about mid-March, if my memory serves me right. Since then, we’ve had the joy of offers being accepted, the heartbreak of offers being withdrawn, the ‘joy’ of having to complete a tax return in record time in order to satisfy our mortgage lender (the perils of self-employment), the bafflement of solicitors who are only tentatively acknowledging the presence of the 21st century (viz an email which read ‘I will dictate a letter to my secretary which you should receive later in the week’).

It now seems that, with a trailing wind, we might just be exchanging contracts next week and moving before Christmas. Three successive Christmases, three different addresses…

Meanwhile, to help you get into the Christmas spirit, this video is an interesting insight into how the run-up to Jesus’ birth might have been if social media tools had existed. Or how about some daily Bible readings from The Salvation Army?

Happy waiting.

Photo by Sethi de Clercq

You may have seen the news about the current flooding in Thailand. Pakkret was in Rachel Harvey’s report on BBC News a few days ago.

As you might expect, we’ve been following developments quite closely. More than a third of the country is underwater. Bangkok has been the focus of much of the media attention, but in the last few hours Pakkred has received the order to evacuate as the water reached chest height. (Some might say this was a bit late…)

This from the Bangkok Post:

All districts in Nonthaburi flooded

‘The flooding in Nonthaburi province has reached a critical level, with all districts now inundated, the provincial governor said on Wednesday. Nonthaburi governor Wichian Phuttiwinyu said all six districts were now flooded. Bang Bua Thong and Pakkret districts were the worst hit. A huge amount of floodwater from neighbouring Ayutthaya and Pathum Thani provinces has been flowing into Nonthaburi since Tuesday.’

We can only imagine how flooded our old soi (street) must be, given that it only took one heavy downpour to flood the kitchen and the front yard. Our old house was about 600 metres from the river (across flat ground) and CCD’s headquarters are a similar distance (see this map).

Improvised flood defences on Soi Wat Ku, the main road past CCD. Photo by Wasan Saenwian.

Praying people, please remember our friends and former colleagues at CCD as they endeavour to look after the children (all the cars and vans seem to have been parked on the motorway flyovers for safekeeping, so evacuation is made quite tricky!) as well as looking after their own homes and families elsewhere in the Bangkok area.

If you want to find out more, some good sources of information, links and photos are @thaifloodeng and  #thaifloodeng on Twitter.

On Sunday morning, having left Nice, we travelled first along the Mediterranean coast to the Italian border station of Ventimiglia. Mr Giles’s verdict on the Côte d’Azur? ‘All right, but not as good as Dawlish.’ (Readers of any British railway periodicals – and their wives - will know that at least one picture of a train on the Dawlish sea wall is compulsory content.)

It was at Ventimiglia station that I made one of my favourite discoveries of the trip to date: Nutella in 5kg jars! Hello!

And thence to Milan on the ninth train of our expedition. I was keen to sample Milan’s legendary coffee, so, having purchased our next set of tickets, we scoured the station building for a suitable establishment. I wasn’t disappointed. Not only was my caffe americano delicious, it came with eminently scrapbookable paper napkins with the words ‘Stazione Centrale di Milano’ on them. Excellent.

From Milan, we caught the train towards Domodossola (a double-decker one, no less), changing at Novara for Orta san Giulio. We were met at the station by a friendly taxi driver who dropped us as near to the hotel as he was permitted to drive (Orta is pedestrianised to all but a tiny amount of local traffic) and gave us walking directions in ebullient Italian, complete with much waving of arms which didn’t leave us much the wiser. We trundled off happily down a cobbled path in vaguely the right direction, whipped out the guidebook and were in the right place within five minutes. Success!

 
(Our room is behind those window boxes on the left.)

Our hotel isn’t a single building but a collection of them: a few bedrooms in a place down this alley, a few more there, reception on the main throughfare, a breakfast buffet at a cafe on the main piazza… all very civilised and friendly. And speaking of the breakfast… impressive. Breads, hams, and cheeses in abundance; cook-your-own eggs, bacon and sausages; cereals, yogurts and fruit; and, to our amusement, a dessert table. Tiramisu, anyone?

‘Hopefully back here, eventually,’ I offered, immediately realising that my reply wasn’t wholly satisfactory. ‘Avignon,’ I added quickly, lest the Watercress Line volunteer thought I’d taken leave of my senses.

‘Oooh. Really?’ he asked, perking up. ‘And then on to the Italian lakes – all by train,’ I continued. He smiled. ‘I’d better check your tickets then…’

Awaiting the signal at Medstead & Four Marks

And so the first of an estimated 44 rail journeys began. If you were setting out for the Italian lakes, it’s unlikely that you would start with a ride on the Watercress Line and even less likely that you would travel via Avignon. But having free tickets for both, it made good sense to me.

Day 1 of our journey took us as far as London, where we checked in to a cheap (£9) but cheerful Travelodge near St Pancras station. After a book shop foray and surprisingly pleasant Indian dinner, an early night was required.

Day 2 began frighteningly early, in order to stock up with provisions before checking-in for our Eurostar departure. One of the joys of travelling by train is that it is permitted to travel with items such as scissors and needles, and Mrs Giles had planned to maximise this benefit by packing a mobile scrapbooking tin containing all manner of contraband that would be seized by the airport authorities if one even thought about smuggling them through. It’s also permitted to take drinks on board Eurostar, which is refreshingly sensible.

I was less than thrilled, therefore, having just purchased the day’s snacks from the station’s 24 hour Starbucks, to be told ‘you can’t take that through’. The ‘that’ in question was a mocha frappucino. ‘Why?’ I asked, with due temerity. ‘That’s the rules.’ I have yet to work out how an iced coffee and chocolate concoction is perceived to be a threat to Channel Tunnel operations, but as the next London to Avignon train is not until July 2012 I didn’t want to risk missing the service by discussing molecular structure. And more to the point, Sarah was tugging my arm gently but firmly. It is usually best to comply.

The 07:17 to Avignon about to depart

The Eurostar left on time and belted through Kent towards the tunnel portal. Last time we did this journey we got stuck sous la Manche for five hours (hence the complimentary tickets this time round), but before we knew it we had emerged into the French countryside. I must confess that I’d never really seen the point of France, as it just seemed to be a rather grottier version of Lincolnshire. But once we’d nipped around the Paris avoiding line (LGV Interconnexion East, if you prefer), the scenery improved markedly. The train manager gave us some brief bursts of commentary which helped us to get our bearings as we passed through Burgundy into Provence. It was pretty much full speed all the way, until we left the high speed lines at Lapalud, about half an hour short of our destination.

We arrived at Avignon an impressive ten minutes early, and went in search of the left luggage office. Fermé. Undeterred, we pondered the prospect of a taxi. That was until we noted that the sizable majority of those who had travelled from London with us on the 18 carriage train were now queueing with decreasing levels of patience for the five taxis that appeared to be in attendance. And then it started to precipitate.

Being British, no amount of rain was going to prevent us from visiting Pont St Bénezet – the bridge immortalised in the 15th Century children’s song. But, boy, did it try. A 20 minute paddle through a full-on thunderstorm later, and your invincible but bedraggled correspondents arrived at the historic river, resembling some loons who had waded through it themselves.

The eponymous pont

'On y danse, on y danse'

The saunter back to the station was rather more enjoyable, by dint of it being considerably drier. The remainder of the day’s travels took us still further south, by local trains via Marseille and the Côte d’Azur to Nice. Alas, the weather had become capricious again, and the fabled blue sea was more grises than azur.

Nice to see you, to see you Nice

It may have been because we were tired, it may have been because it was gloomy, but Nice - it transpires - is something of a misnomer. And our accommodation in the city, Hôtel d’Orsay, was not one of its highlights. One might summarise it as shabby chic but without being in any way chic. Plainly at some point in the 1950s, someone had stolen the hotel’s cleaning paraphernalia and the police had never solved the crime. We swiftly rechristened the establishment as Hôtel d’Awful, but in fairness had a relatively good night’s sleep.

The Docklands Light Railway is soon to open a new three-mile extension from Canning Town to Stratford International, part of the transport infrastructure that will convey millions of sports enthusiasts to the Olympic Park next summer. (But don’t worry, this blog isn’t really about that kind of exercise.) Before it is allowed to start carrying fare-paying passengers, it is obliged to run test trains and work out its procedures for handling various emergency situations. The opportunity is also taken to work out effective responses with the emergency services and voluntary agencies like the Red Cross, St John Ambulance and The Salvation Army, all of whom may also be called in to help in particular circumstances. I heard on the anorak grapevine that volunteers were required to help with this, and was intrigued.

So at 9 o’clock yesterday morning, I was boarding a shuttle bus at Stratford Regional station having checked-in with the DLR officials (along with 68 other participants). The bus is currently the only way to transfer between the two Stratford stations, as the surrounding land is still very much a building site – not just with Olympic paraphernalia but a huge Westfield shopping centre that is due to open next month.

The Olympic stadium taking shape

We’d been told very little about what to expect, which is normal for these kind of events. The aim is for passengers to behave as they normally would – surprised, startled, even a little panicked. We were quickly ushered into the concrete environs of the new Stratford International DLR station, which is just over the road from the mainline station. The first ‘challenge’ was that the escalators weren’t working, so the lifts were put in to frontline service.

Stratford International DLR station, waiting for 'disaster' to befall

Very shortly afterwards, a DLR train rolled in to platform 1 – with a veritable phalanx of high visibility jacket-clad DLR staff on board – and we were invited to get on and make ourselves comfortable. I found myself a prime spot at the front of the train, naturally. The safety officer overseeing proceedings walked through to outline a few dos and don’ts (‘follow all instructions given by staff’, ‘don’t touch the live rail’, that kind of thing). And then we waited.

DLR test train arriving at Stratford International platform 1

An eerily quiet Stratford International station

For reasons that never became entirely clear, it was a good hour before the first scenario of the day was acted out. Eventually, the cheery Passenger Service Agent who had evidently drawn the short straw gave the usual DLR announcement about ‘a good service operating on all lines’ and closed the doors. Then, without having actually gone anywhere, we ‘arrived’ at Stratford International, ‘where this train terminates – all change please’. So we did. It became apparent that some ‘passengers’ had been asked to leave the train prior to this, so that they could act out the roles of people waiting on the platform to join the train for its return journey to Canning Town. After a bit of getting on and off the train, someone spotted a ‘suspicious package’ and brought it to the attention of the staff. At which point, those on the train were asked to leave immediately and those on the platform were asked to evacuate.

We mooched up to ground level to see what was going to happen next. A British Transport Police officer had already made his way over from the mainline station (where presumably he had an office), and it didn’t take long for BTP’s ‘suspicious package’ team to arrive with their ‘is it a bomb or is it a packed lunch’ analysis gear. As they were prodding, poking and otherwise examining the package, we were corralled by the DLR staff and police so that anyone who might have seen anything could be questioned. For ‘safety reasons’ we were led over to the concourse of the mainline station with the promise of ‘replacement bus services’ which were being ‘arranged’. 45 minutes later, we were led back in to the station and asked to reboard the train.

British Transport Police get their 'is it a bomb?' equipment ready

Lunch followed, which was a somewhat surreal experience aboard a DLR train. However, the provided packages (which were not in any way suspicious) compared favourably to that fabled lunch on the really-should-know-better East Coast. A tasty tuna sandwich, generously-proportioned bag of cheese and onion crisps, Time Out chocolate bar, orange and surprisingly chilled bottle of water hit the spot nicely. During the break, we also had the opportunity to explore the usually out-of-bounds staff mess room at Stratford International.

Exercise 2 followed at about 12:30, which this time did involve the train moving. Usually DLR trains are computer-controlled, but for this scenario, Alan the Passenger Service Agent had had to assume the driving controls. As we entered the tunnel connecting Stratford International with Stratford Regional, the official in charge of the exercise told the driver that he should act as if he had just seen smoke in the tunnel ahead.

The ever-chirpy Alan takes the controls

The entrance to the half-mile long tunnel between Stratford's International and Regional stations

The train was duly brought to a halt, and a considerable amount of (quite enlightening) conversation took place between the PSA and the control room. Before long, it was decided that the London Fire Brigade would have to investigate, and that the power to the live rails would therefore have to be switched off. It was anticipated that the train would be left with auxiliary power, but as the supply was cut they found out the hard way that ALL the train’s lighting was rendered inoperable. It also cut the PA system, so Alan had to walk through the train with a torch to explain what was happening.

DLR train 'stranded' in the tunnel with no power

When he returned, he decided that the passengers in the front of the train (and therefore nearest the ‘smoke’) should move back to avoid unnecessary inhalation of the fumes. He then co-ordinated the process of applying circuit breakers to the tracks in the vicinity, to prevent any danger from the power inadvertently being switched back on. Once the area was made safe, the evacuation of the train proceeded with us all being counted and then walked – a carriage at a time – back along the trackside path towards the emergency staircase to ground level. We duly trudged up the steps and emerged in the middle of a construction site, much to the surprise of some workers who hastily erected some more fencing to keep us out! During this exercise, the powers-that-be had helpfully provided Alan with a man in a wheelchair and a woman with mild hysteria to cope with. Somehow, he was still smiling at the end…

Emergency signage in the tunnel

Top of the emergency staircase, in the middle of a building site

Once we’d all been counted back, we re-boarded the train in the tunnel and waited for the circuit breakers to be removed from the track and the current switched back on. It was actually pretty hot, so we were pleased when the procedures had been completed. The excitement wasn’t quite over though, as the train had to travel back the wrong way along the line in order to restore radio communication with the signalling system.

Reboarding the 'stricken' train - the circuit breakers on the track are just visible

Back at Stratford International, we were thanked for our time (with £20 vouchers, no less) and offered the opportunity to travel the entire length of the not-yet-opened line. Clearly this was far too good an offer to pass up, so I remained in my vantage point for the first ‘public’ journey through Statford Regional and the new stations at Stratford High Street, Abbey Road and Star Lane to Canning Town. Here, several DLR staff disembarked, but we continued a short distance to use the emergency crossover just south of the station, which I suspect will be a very hard piece of track to ‘do’ in normal service. Then, a non-stop run back to Stratford International, where the train terminated in platform 2 (just for track ‘completeness’).

Canning Town station's new Stratford branch platforms

It might not be everyone’s idea of a good day out, but I really enjoyed seeing (and hearing) parts of the railway system that are normally hidden from view, and found it reassuring that the train companies do try to prepare for all eventualities.

Dear Mr Giles

Thank you for your email of the 27th July 2011, regarding our First Class complimentary food offering.  I appreciate this was written somewhat tongue in cheek, although you raise some very valid points which we need to address immediately.

After I received your email I asked my teams to investigate the issues you raised and interview the staff delivering the service. I would like to address the points raised in the order written for ease of reading.

The £25 First Class single journey certainly was good value for money for our customers. At this time we do not plan to run the same promotion, however if you are registered on our website you will receive notification of most of our up and coming offers.

Indeed, every time you board one of our trains you should be greeted by a member of our crew, the remainder of the crew will be preparing for departure to enable beverage runs to take place following departure. There is a lot of preparation involved, but a crew member should always be on hand to greet our customers. This is so important and our customers should always be welcomed on board. There was no excuse on either of the  journeys you took with us. We do currently have some issues with our newspaper suppliers at Inverness, at present the newspapers are delivered at Edinburgh where they are taken aboard. At this time newspapers should have been distributed to our customers. We are currently sourcing a new supplier in Inverness and once organised, newspapers will be available on departure from there.

I was sorry to read you felt the table for two was not as comfortable as a table for four, although the dimensions per person are the same for both styles. In fact we do receive compliments on the spaciousness of our seating and train carriages.

I must apologise for the ride quality on the 07:55, which was poor between Edinburgh and York. Our trains undergo a safety inspection each night before they enter service and they are not allowed to enter service if they have any suspension related defects.  If a problem occurs during service then the train runs at a reduced speed until it is rectified.  Sometimes, worn track components can cause poor ride quality.  This can be to the extent that it is very noticeable, but not in fact dangerous.

Keeping the track, signalling and railway infrastructure in a well maintained condition is the responsibility of Network Rail.  If poor ride quality is experienced, Network Rail ask drivers and/ or train crew to pass on the information about where it has occurred so they can make arrangements to have it inspected and corrected if necessary. Network Rail also conduct regular scheduled inspections to ascertain track condition to ensure that it is safe for use. Our Head of Fleet will monitor the situation and has asked our staff to report any further instances to the maintenance depots where it can be investigated once the train returns.

So much work has gone into delivering such a massive change; from the refurbishment of our catering facilities, preparing different menu options, preparing new operating standards for our staff and as detailed as to how our tables should be presented. Every aspect of our service has been extensively reviewed, to ensure we get it as right as possible.  Tablecloths are not part of the table set-up, however we provide East Coast table slip mats. These should provide adequate stability to stop mugs/crockery from moving when the train is in motion.

The introduction of our First Class Quiet Coach followed extensive customer research and has so far been well received. I was alarmed to read of the manner in which our crew boarded at Newcastle. Whether they had been in the Quiet Coach or not, this behaviour is completely unacceptable. This has been addressed with the crew in question.

Unfortunately the 07:55 Inverness to King’s Cross did not have a chef on board, this was very short notice sickness and we were unable to arrange a replacement chef before departure. This impacted our staff greeting customers on board (certainly not an excuse), instead the crew went immediately on board to organise what breakfast could still be served without a chef. Please be assured that all our crew are trained to provide basic breakfast options, just not the full menu range.  With the benefit of hindsight the Crew Leader should have still made a greeter available. As the crew board the train 15 minutes prior to departure, they were unable to advise customers that a chef was not on board.

The Crew Manager responsible for the crew in question travelled back to Inverness the same day with some of your fellow travellers from your morning service. Although they too were disappointed, they were very appreciative of the crew’s efforts to offer a catering service.

The departure boards should be updated if we are unable to provide a full catering facility. As we were able to offer catering provision, albeit limited the departure boards were not updated. I do offer my apologies that the bacon/ sausage sandwiches were served on untoasted bread and were not piping hot. Due to the chef not being on board, the crew did have a more limited variety of kitchen equipment to work with, which did cause delays to the breakfast service.

You should have been offered both orange juice and apple and blackcurrant juice on the ‘Breakfast’ and ‘Mid Morning’ menu. The Crew Manager has addressed the non-delivery with our supplier. I can confirm we do not offer pineapple or apple juice on our weekday menus.  The coffee served is ground and sealed for freshness prior to delivery. It is then freshly filtered and served on board.

When choosing what alcoholic drinks would be available, we looked at previous sales to determine the most popular customer choice, I’m sorry you were disappointed with our on board wine selection.

Whilst I fully appreciate your comments regarding the power sockets not being available to the aisle seats on a table for four, due to cabling constraints this enhancement would only be considered when we are overhauling the interior of our First Class carriages. This is a good point and one which definitely will be considered when the fleet is next refurbished.

I was quite surprised you could not find a menu on the table, every service I have travelled on has a menu (with our new branding on) on each table. Having checked this after I received your email, the train in question did have menus available on each table.

Although I understand the journey between King’s Cross and Aberdeen does transgress into what would be considered to be evening meal time, it was decided that the ‘All day’ menu offer, both hot and cold options, were sufficient for our customers. With each commercial decision, we must ensure the offer we provide is viable to us as a business. Of course we need to balance this decision with the needs of our customers.  The sandwich option should have been a full sandwich garnished with crisps and salad, followed by cake or fruit if desired. This has been brought to the attention of the Crew Managers and is being addressed with all on-board crews. Your comment regarding the hot variety and portions has been noted and will be considered when we next review the menus.

We have four menu rotations a month (each Wednesday), so we can ensure variety for our regular travellers. The cakes you describe are from two different rotations and would not be available at the same time. This is the same for the Greek yoghurt on the ‘Breakfast’ menu.

I take your comment regarding the serving ‘Afternoon Tea’ on our 14:00 King’s Cross departure and this is being considered as part of an overall review, currently taking place, of the offer we provide on each service.

In conclusion, I can only say that I am sorry for the number of issues you experienced on board and cannot argue with the points you raised. There are reasons why these issues occurred, although I fully appreciate that these are of no concern to you, in fact you wanted the complimentary service advertised.  The changes to the First Class offer were the biggest we’ve ever made and inevitably we have experienced some inconsistency with the food availability as you’ve described in your letter.  We recognise that an integral part of the First Class offer is delivering a high standard of personal service, every time. As such, we have invested in a significant customer service training programme that our entire customer facing on-board team has now attended.

Your feedback is important and has been passed on to the managers of the crew involved.  Thank you once again for writing to me and allowing me to personally respond. I hope you will continue to be a valued First Class customer of East Coast.  We can do better than this (and do on a regular basis) and I hope we can prove that to you one day.

Having now just completed the journeys (Kings Cross to Aberdeen on the 1400 service, 26 July; Inverness to Kings Cross on the 0755 service, 27 July), I would like to respond to your original ‘25 reasons’ email with details of my own experience.

1. Our fantastic £25 one-way fare for travel across the East Coast route

The £25 fare is undeniably good value. Are there any plans to run the promotion again? I feel that I may be able to persuade others to partake on the strength of the recommendations that follow.

2. Enjoy a genuinely warm welcome the moment you step on board

I wasn’t specifically welcomed on board either train that I used. Nor even greeted, in fact. No-one said ‘hello’ or helped me find my seat. There were no newspapers – not even an East Coast magazine – on either train. Coffee (of sorts) was served within three minutes of departing London, though, which was quite welcome.

3. Stretch out in your roomy, reclining seat and watch the beautiful East Coast scenery pass by

The table for four on the return journey was amply proportioned, but the table for two on the outward journey was surprisingly cramped for those of us who are blessed with a full complement of legs.

4. Spread your newspaper, computer, books or magazines on the table and relax in comfort with that extra leg room

There was only just room for an average-sized laptop on the outward journey (table for two). The ride quality was poor, especially on the 0755 Inverness – Kings Cross between Edinburgh and York. Are you also trialling a new type of wheel on your trains? Of a pentagonal design? With no table cloths, the crockery was sliding all over the place.

5. Take time to enjoy the calm and peace of the First Class Quiet Coach

I wasn’t in the Quiet Coach for either leg, but I did observe train crew laughing and joking loudly with platform attendants about the under-staffing on the 0755 Inverness – Kings Cross. The crew change at Newcastle appeared to introduce characters from the cast of Fawlty Towers, one of whom was to be heard shouting ‘don’t you start, bloody woman’ from the vestibule. Sadly I didn’t hear the punchline.

6. Relax and tuck into one of our vegetarian breakfasts

Was not available on the 0755 Inverness – Kings Cross. Although, to be fair, I didn’t spot many people clad in hemp.

7. Opt for a hearty full English instead

Was not available on the 0755 Inverness – Kings Cross. Staff were very matter-of-fact about this, not especially apologetic. Although, to be fair, they were predominantly Scottish and may not have appreciated the south-of-the-border reference.

It is particularly annoying that the absence of breakfast service was not advised to passengers prior to boarding. If it had been, there would have been an opportunity to buy a half-decent breakfast on Inverness station. It is very poor customer service not to admit to serious deficiencies until after departure when this must surely have been known about. I note that the departure boards en route failed to mention any issues with the catering either.

Denying a man bacon that has been previously promised is, I’m sure you’ll agree, a discomfiting precedent and one that would be viewed dimly by, say, the European Court of Human Rights.

8. Or be virtuous and choose a healthy breakfast of Greek yoghurt with fruit compote and granola

Was not available on the 0755 Inverness – Kings Cross. Although, to be fair, I didn’t spot many Greeks.

9. Whatever you choose, enjoy it served to you at your seat

Due to ‘being understaffed’, there was only a choice of bacon or sausage sandwiches – and only then after a stomach-rumblingly long wait. The bread was not toasted and the filling was not remotely warm. A far cry from the feast of bacon, egg, sausage, tomato, mushroom and potato cake that had been promised. And not even hot toast available. How many staff does the breakfast service require? There didn’t seem to be a shortage of bodies.

10. Alongside a nice cold glass of fresh fruit juice

The orange juice was nice, cold and in a glass. I faintly recall apple juice (and pineapple juice?) being available before the changes to the service provision though.

11. Sip a cup of freshly-ground coffee or English Breakfast tea

Are you sure the coffee is ‘freshly ground’? It didn’t smell like it to me, and it tasted suspiciously like something that Anthony Head might have promoted before he took up vampire slaying.

12. Admire stunning East Coast scenery framed by your window

This was indeed admirable, although I’m not sure East Coast can take all the credit for that…

13. Nibble complimentary snacks and refreshments

I’ll allow ‘nibble’.

14. Indulge yourself with a complimentary glass of Sauvignon Blanc

This was available – but there used to be a whole wine list before the ‘improvements’.

15. Email your friends to tell them how great your journey is with free Wi-Fi

The wi-fi worked well, although seemed to think I was in Sweden. Aldrig åtanke! I would have been able to work profitably for the duration, had I not been so moved by my experiences that I was compelled to write this riposte.

16. Revive your laptop by hooking it up to the power socket

This worked well. Not so good if you’re sitting in the aisle seats of the tables for four, where such facilities did not appear to exist.

17. Peruse the menu and choose your complimentary lunch

There were no menus to peruse (or make paper aeroplanes with) on the 0755 Inverness – Kings Cross, despite a verbal announcement advising customers to consult them for details. The menus on the 1400 Kings Cross – Aberdeen raised high hopes in the anticipation of a proper sausage-and-mash dinner with lemon cheesecake to follow. Sadly, this proved not to be one of the trains that said ‘evening meal’ is served on, despite the journey running right through what most people would consider to be dinner time. Do you not have dinner until after 9:30pm? How do you survive?

18. Again, served to you at your seat

Not really a ‘reason’, I’d venture. If only you’d made it a £10 offer, you wouldn’t have had to conjure up so many reasons. Hindsight, eh?

19. Choose from a selection of mouth-watering sandwiches

The crew were offering two small triangles of a sandwich, which didn’t really satisfy the appetite of someone who had earlier been denied their full cooked breakfast! Someone sitting nearby had the temerity to ask for more, in a scene reminiscent of Oliver Twist. I’m not sure that I saw them again after that.

20. Or a delicious hot meal

The ‘hot meal’ on offer northbound was actually a lukewarm-ish ‘cauliflower cheese tart’ – with no discernable trace of cauliflower. It was served with a light flurry of dressed leaves, which was very disappointing. A snack – yes. A hot meal – absolutely not. Had it been served with new potatoes and French beans, for example, or a decent hunk of warm bread, it would have been far more suited to the task. Both the Aberdeen and Inverness journeys are in excess of 7 hours long – a substantial meal is a necessity.

The ‘hot meal’ offered southbound was something called beetroot risotto. The name alone was sufficient to put me off, although the person sitting opposite me was clearly of a braver disposition. It looked worse than it sounded, and my unknown companion pushed it around the plate for a while before going in search of something from the buffet car.

21. And finish your meal off with a tempting slice of cake

This was quite tasty. I’m not usually a fruit cake fan, but the spiced cake concoction was admittedly pleasant.

22. Treat yourself to one of our National Trust-inspired creations – like our handmade Nunnington Spiced Fruit Loaf

Is there an echo in here? See 21.

23. Have just one more bite of our delightful Marmalade Cake

No sign of that on either leg of my journey. Would be more appropriate for First Great Western services to/from Paddington anyway.

24. Or lick your lips at the thought of a complimentary scone oozing with strawberry jam and cream

The thought of a scone oozing with jam and cream was as close to reality as I got. Which ‘selected services’ are these mythical scones served on? It’s impossible to tell from the menu and/or the timetable. Who ‘selects’ them? I thought the 1400 departure from Kings Cross would be the ideal timing for afternoon tea… alas I was very much mistaken.

25. Immerse yourself in culture along a route that covers some of the UK’s most historic and beautiful cities

Not sure East Coast can take the credit there either, but a tantalising bit of PR spin I grant you.

In summary, as you will probably have gathered, I am not a convert to your revised First Class arrangements. The ability to order hot, freshly prepared meals in the restaurant car and from the at-seat dining service is a sad loss. The replacement offering is, if my two experiences are representative, poorly executed and inadequate.

To conclude, if you’d like me to help with your next ‘25 reasons’ campaign, my rates are very reasonable. But you must excuse me for now as I duck into Burger King on Kings Cross station. Having just got off one of your trains, I am hungry.

We, the British public, are apparently not interested. Not when there’s a daft owl about.

The most-shared story on the BBC website for the last two days: a tawny member of the strigiforme species who has apparently flown at full pelt into somebody’s living room window in Cumbria.

How much money has been wasted on phone-hacking and police bribes, when all we really care about is animals doing peculiar things?

Unless, of course, the Murdoch empire has paid said owl to perform the act as a distraction tactic. In which case, the owl might not be quite as stupid as we think…